Just returned from retreat

Dear hon,

So I am finally home from the retreat. It is 4:30 pm. First, I just want to continue from the previus blog entry that after my shower I did get your call. It meant a lot to me. Similarly, after your very long Sunday (visiting a new church, buffer lunch + ma jong with relatives etc), with the expectation that you would jump right into bed after you reached home, you still replied my email at 2:00 am your time. I found that very sweet of you hon.

For me it has been an uneasy weekend. It certainly was fruitful as I was forced to learn a lot and reflect a lot. I was very scared throughout the weekend because on Friday I discovered two big mistakes that I have made in my project, and they do have some consequences. As you know I am not the type that easily let go of wrong doings on my part, especially when it impacts others. It took me many many many prayers to let go of this, telling myself that it is OK to make mistakes, because through this I learn. I was reading Hudson Taylor's biography and God allowed him to hit the wall so many times. I wonder what type of man God wants me to become? I keep telling myself that there are only 5 more days to go. Just 5 more days. I have survived the 722 project completion; and I have survived the 7.6 Gate 1. By God's grace I will survive this. And not only barely survive this, but I will overcome this. I keep telling myself.

Lately I have just been too torn apart. Virtually nothing goes right -- from work to family to church load to body fatigue, the lost car and even we have bumps in our relationship. 99% of the time our bonding is my major source of comfort, but just not lately. God has forced me to go for "all or nothing". Either I fully trust in Him, in every single aspect of my life, or I put zero trust in Him. There is no third option. I had very few words in the last couple of days during the retreat. And when they make jokes I seldom laugh. My mind was still struggling with all the unresolved issues. I was so scared as I don't know how to make things better.

But I shouldn't need to. I knew that I should just let go and God will help me to face tomorrow, though I couldn't do it. Finally on our way out I made this sincere prayer. asked God to help me to trust fully in Him for everything. My heart is feeling a lot less heavy now thanks to that, and I will see how I can spend the rest of today relaxed.

Before I received your email, I kept waiting for your call, and kept telling myself that I should have no expectation of it. By 1 am I really really wanted to call you to see if you safely reached home. I told myself to let go, and to trust God that He will protect you, and that your family is in HK for you. It is a small but important lesson for me and thus why receiving your email afterwards was so meaningful to me.

Before we had the fight about sending you flowers, I always planned to order you flowers on the day my mom and I are flying. There would be almost one full day that we will not have any contact and I thought that it would be of a good surprise move. I learned now that I shouldn't save this till the very last moment, but since that was the plan I am going to stick with it (as you should now learn). The tricky thing is that I do not know what the delivery guy would do if no one is home, cause you need to work on Tuesday. This is something that I would need to call and ask. Another option is to deliver the flower to your work place, but I don't think you like this kind of attention, nor I think it is appropriate -- I may do so if you have become a permanent full time employee some day though! From the beginning of my plan I already believed that putting the final hint in the flower delivery is the best option.

On our way back, I was with Jackson Karen and Doris. Doris expressed that she wants to get a bigger house, to have a bigger living room so that they can hold gatherings in a more comfy manner. But Keith and she are concerned about the financial pressure from getting a bigger house. During the discussion, I begin to wonder if it makes more sense for us to get the mortgage for a smaller but affordable house or to rent, if we do get married in 2009. If the housing market remains constant, it may still be better to put the money into the house then to pay rent, and we should be able to enjoy our 'home' for at least 2-3 years.

My blogs are getting too long. Now I wonder if you have the time and energy to read all these on Tuesday night. I cannot help it though, cause with the limited opportunities for us to chat on the phone, all I can do now is write write write :)

5:08 pm
Andrew